Posts Tagged ‘ twitter ’

If my dad were as funny as Justin’s, I’d want Two. My review of Shit My Dad Says by Justin Halpern

“You seen my cell phone?…What’s it look like? Like two horses fucking. It’s a phone, son. It looks like a phone.”

“HIDDEN roaming charges? Jesus, Sprint has ‘fucking people’ down to a science, like they practice it in a fucking lab on mice first.”

“Don’t start a story with This is SO funny. Be like saying My dick’s huge before you screw. Even if you’re right you sound like an ass hole.”

The best way to sum up Sh*t my Dad says, by Justin Halpern is to say that its a funny book. And unlike a lot of memoirs, it isn’t trying to force situations that were funny in context to be funny out of context, its just that the author has found something interesting to talk about and talks about it.
The interesting thing, obviously is the shit his dad says. The several quotes above should give you an idea what its like.
The book is an amorphous thing. Its basically short stories built up around quotes.
What Justin’s dad does when Justin is failing math, what Justin’s dad says when he falsifies data during a science experiment, Justin’s dad giving Justin the sex talk in a busy Dennies.
These things may not sound funny but I assure you they are. The dad of the title is just… Witty, brusque, pithy and earthy all at the same time and this combination allows him to say some truly hilarious things.
The book is also a bit of a character study. Don’t get me wrong. This book isn’t a sleeper literary hit, but the Vignets that Halpern has written serve to illustrate a bit about him and a bit about his father.

This is one of three books that’s gotten me to laugh out loud. The other two, if anyone’s interested were Catch Twenty-two and I hope they serve beer in hell. This one is much closer to the latter than the former, although its no where near as raunchy.
My only complaint about this book, and its a miner one, is that the dad of the title gets so much of the limelight, Justin as a character feels a bit thin.
In some ways, this doesn’t matter. The book is about this guys dad saying funny shit, and his son probably isn’t really important in that respect. But for the book to work as a memwar, not just a book of humor, I would have needed just a little more about Justin, perhaps during his college years.
But that’s a miner complaint and mostly the book is hilarious. Its a quick read that made me laugh out loud several times and I highly recommend it to everyone.
Three and a half out of five stars.
The author has a twitter at shitmydadsays. Google it.

Polaski on Polaski. Either Gay sex with my twin, or an interview with myself.

I was lucky enough to get the chance to sit down with Jason Polaski for an interview. He usually doesn’t give interviews, but it helps that we’re the same person. I have indulged in the ultimate act of arrogance. I have interviewed myself, and the really sick thing is that I actually enjoyed it a lot, I babbled on to myself for quite a while. The interview’s below. Jason asks the questions, Polaski answers them.

Jason. So, how bout you introduce yourself.
Polaski. This is stupid as shit. Its a gimmick.

Jason. Yeah, but its your gimmick, so why don’t you go ahead.
Polaski. This is a goddamned stupid thing to do, but ok. I’m Jason Polaski, I go to college at the university of Connecticut, and I’ve started a bblog.

Jason. Speaking of that, what’s up with the blog anyway? Whose going to read it?
Polaski. That’s what I’m trying to find out. You hear about these guys who get millions of hits every day, and they aren’t even famous or good looking, at least, they weren’t famous before they had a blog. Its just Joe shmow, or Jill Shmill, for that matter, and they decided to post about begonia’s or there yeast infection or politics or books or whatever and suddenly they have this huge following. I wanted to see if starting from absolutely nothing I could achieve something like that, or at least modest success.

Jason. So what’s the blog about.
Polaski. Search me.

Jason. No, seriously.
Polaski. Seriously, I have no idea. The title of it is Pages and Rages, because I read a lot of books and get pissed off about a lot of stuff, and because those two things are the most prevalent things in my intellectual life, I figured it was a natural starting point. But honestly, if I spend more than fifteen minutes thinking about it, I’ll probably end up posting it. Whatever occupies my interest will be blogged about which cuts down on the blog’s coherency, but will keep me amused.

Jason. So what’s the reaction been like so far?
Polaski. Shit. Seriously, I’m about to pull a Phoebe Prince.

Jason. Right. So lets get to the personal stuff. You got any religious views.
Polaski. Yeah, but they aren’t flattering.

Jason. Can you elaborate on that?
Polaski. Its all shit. Its all just a big mythology, doesn’t matter what the religion is.

Jason. So you hate religious people.
Polaski. Not at all, some religious people are nice, some of them are friends of mine. I just view the entire thing… Like model trains. Some people go nuts over model trains. They have entire countries of model trains, schedules, different engines. They go down to the basement and tinker with the things. When they ask me if I want to take a look, I do, but just a look. I’m not going to go look at model trains all the time, because that’s not my thing. I respect there interest, even if I think its a little weird, but its just a part of there life I don’t really care to be involved in. That’s basically how I feel about religion.

Jason. OK, political views.
Polaski. Somewhere between a rightward leaning fiscal conservative and a leftward leaning social democrat. I hate the moral majority, hate the socialists claiming to be democrats. Its complicated. Sort of libertarian, but some libertarians are also crazy. Economically, I’m pretty conservative, I want low taxes, free markets, that kind of thing, but socially, I want really the same thing. The government to allow any action that doesn’t hurt anyone. I’m for legalization of pot, guns, abortion the death penalty and I really hope that smoking indoors is brought back before next winter.

Jason. So sort of libertarian.
Polaski. Yeah, in a lot of ways. The government should stay out of a lot of things. Mairage, for example. Its not the governments business who marries who, or whose fucking whom. It shouldn’t be a concern. I also think the government shouldn’t be fucking about with companies too much. Corporate taxes should be low, and regulations should be made to address a need, not to craft policy. Companies shouldn’t be allowed to hurt people, by poisoning the environment or starting monopolies, but they shouldn’t be gelded just to appease the spirit of Ted Kennedy. But I also think a lot of spending is extremely vital in certain area’s like defense and education, which a lot of libertarians will disagree with. I think the government should be very involved in some things, and really leave other’s alone.

Jason. Got a favorite brand of cigarette?
Polaski. Anything without a filter, or newports. I smoke a pipe, cigars, and hookah. Really, if it burns and has nicotine, I’m down.

Jason. Favorite drink?
Polaski. Beer, either Coors or Guinness, anything cheap on tap. Gin and tonic, good red wine. I hate shots of straight liquor, but always end up pounding them anyway.

Jason. What do you like for music.
Polaski. Mainly shitty rap. I love going to clubs and listening to awful rap music, it sets the perfect atmosphere for what I’m looking for.

Jason. And what’s that?
Polaski. No comment.

Jason. Any other music you’re into besides rap?
Polaski. I’m really digging a lot of classical lately. Bach’s the shit, can’t go wrong with anything by Bach. Vivaldi, similarly is great. Beethoven is also solid. Handle, Montiverty, and lately I’ve been listening to a lot of misorski.

Jason. OK, so part of your blog is about books, what do you read?
Polaski. Honestly, I’ll read anything. Its a matter of what I can get my hands on. I was stuck reading books written before 1950 a year or so ago, so I read them. But if have my choice, a lot of science fiction and fantasy, and a lot of biography and history. Some mystery, some other random stuff that doesn’t necessarily have a category.

Jason. Any final remarks?
Polaski. Read the blog. Tell your friends. Make me rich. I’m on twitter as Jasonpolaski, follow me there for pithy updates

Jason. Thank’s for the interview.
Polaski. Shut up, jackass, this is the beginning of multiple personality disorder. It creeps me out.

how to feel important and get informed

So I’m officially obsessed with twitter. I love looking at my twitter page and seeing all the new stuff that has come in, because I’m a shallow man, and giving myself a false sense that people are sending *me* information really does fulfill me.
I’m also a news junky, and to my surprise, because the world is usually shit, I’ve found a cool site which has melded both my need to feel falsely important and my love of political news together. It lists the 100 best places to find news on twitter, so if you want to bone up on national events and also have the attentionspan of a natfly, or if you just want some good new twitter accounts to follow for news, check this out.
100 Best Twitter Feeds for All Your News and Know How

http://www.ratedcolleges.com/blog/2009/100-best-twitter-feeds-for-all-your-news-and-know-how/
Enjoy
you can also find me on twitter at jasonpolaski
and that’s better than all the news in the world.

the coolest kids on twitter, ten reasons why its a barren landscape of shit

I recently got twitter. Why, I don’t know, but its proven addictive. I’ve added pundits, comedians and friends to the list of people I follow and have been informed and amused, also have wasted a lot of time. I found a sight that lets me keep track of the most popular people on twitter, the sight shows who has the most followers, and the results are depressing. It seems that everyone who might have funny micro bursts to throw out onto the Internet isn’t actually popular.
The top ten list is as follows.
1. Ashton Kutcher. I was hoping this would be one of those things where I was shocked by how witty and interesting Kutcher’s life was through profound or funny tweets, but its not, just a bunch of confusing conversations with other people who I assume are famous and babble about earth hour. Yawn.
2. Britney Spears. Oh, god, Britany writing and sharing it with the public. I thought the few songs she helped write would have put an end to that idea. Maybe this way she won’t have another kid, she’ll be too busy trying to look up the definition of “the” in the dictionary.
3. The Ellen show. What, being live on TV every day for an hour isn’t good enough?
4. Barack Obama. You better have many more important things to do than tweet. Even a publicist should be doing something more worthwhile.
5. Lady Gaga. second person who isn’t straight on the top ten. Yayh diversity.
6. Oprah. More daytime TV on twitter. Jesus god.
7. Kim Kardashian. This makes sense. She needs to have a quick way of leaking the next sex tape as quick as possible. When you aren’t fucking on camera, what’s your job? What do you do? I care so little that I don’t even feel like wikipediaing it.
8. John Mayer. Stay out of my head, John!
9. Twitter. How medda.
10. Ryan Seacrest. Ah, the personification of douche.

Its a combination of high school, where the pretty people were most popular, and some sort of youth retreat, where people like Ellen and Oprah were popular for being nice. Oh, god, shoot me in the face.