six things to do before you are drunk off your ass
given that the semester is coming to an end, and thus until finals start drinking is through the roof, I’ve created a list of things one should do before one is drunk, because once you’re drunk, its impossible to 1. get why these things are necessary or 2, have the motor skills to pull them off.
1. All blunts, cigarettes, spliffs and other smoking devices should be prepared before drinking reaches frantic levels, otherwise lack of motor function will later make this impossible.
2. If you know you don’t want to sleep with someone, but you know your drunk self wants to sleep with them, before you get drunk, right in sharpy above your genitals, “I hate so and so.” or something worse, like, “this is a drunken mistake.”
3. Do not bring your cell phone drinking. Whatever awful situation you might find yourself in without a phone, stuck in the middle of nowhere, someone who wants to give you there number but you have no phone, the damage you can do with your phone is much greater. Crazy five grand orders to qbc, (true story,) calling ex’s, calling the strip club, I mean, basically anyone you call while drunk is going to think worse of you in the morning. Your boss doesn’t want to hear how you think he’s the mother fucking… Mother fucking best boss in the entire world, followed by you vomiting onto yourself in the background. Also, phones are broken drunk.
4. Really, anything you don’t want damaged should be moved before drinking in a group begins. I have seen everything valuable broken because of drinking. Oh, can of beer spilled on the laptop, camera, x-box, hamster, whatever. Windows are not safe either, but I can’t think of a way to safeguard them.
5. I think that before drinking, everyone should start calling each other faggot. See, every fight between two guys I’ve ever seen seems to stem from some guy going, “fuck you faggot.” but if everyone just called each other faggot, like, “hey, what time is it, faggot, or, dude, that’s a cool shirt, you faggot,” I think the highest cause of belligerent drunken fights would be neutralized.
6. I think a predesignated place to puke is also a good idea. I had a girl vommit on my sheets a couple of days ago, and I thought, man, if I’d had a trashcanne ready to go that maybe had a little sign, like “upchuck here,” I wouldn’t be doing laundry today.
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