High as in Hello, Hi Easter sunday Part 1
I want to write a creative nonfiction piece because I think I’d be good at it. If you don’t know what that is its a essay about something where the author gives you his voice mixed in with information, his opinions, his take on it, you get a vibe from him. Suck it OED. I mean David foster Wallace, John CrackinHower type of shit. But I don’t do anything interesting. However after consideration I have decided that this is not a good excuse.
To motivate myself I’m updating the blog as I go, some type of tiny public audience will keep me spellchecking and somewhat sober.
You don’t know me, and I don’t know you, unless you’re one of my loyal blog followers.
Nevertheless I think I can get you up to speed.
I’m playing Tekken. I’m a blind guy, playing tekken. This involves memorizing a lot of sounds and attack tempo’s and special moves so when you hit forward and right punch you know if you’ve been thrown and are really hitting back and right punch. That’s not the point of this entire work of creative nonfiction.
But I strongly believe a lot of people are wondering both why a blind guy would play tekken and why anyone would play tekken.
First, tekken is a game I think that I can almost master even though I can’t see. If you want that explained further, ask someone else.
You might be wondering if tekken isn’t the point, what is. Well, here’s the deal.
When I said I was doing nothing, that wasn’t completely true. I like to think of myself as a writer and a rapper. How many other people think of me in this way is unknown. I mention this not because I want to promote either of those things with respect to me, but because knowing that I rap is important for this next part.
I am going to record an album soon but this is happening sooner than I anticipated, which screwed up my travel plans so instead of going to see my mother for Easter I’m spending it with a friend whose closer to my final destination. I know him well. On twitter he’s @TheFeezz.
Anyway, I’m anticipating that it’s going to be very strange being around someone else’s family, what happened was I made plans thinking I was recording my album later, and now the plans make no sense because the date I was leaving changed, not that I mind spending Easter with a friend’s family, but it’s going to be odd looking in on family dynamics from the outside. I’m kind of excited. Not truly, we’re going to climb Everest or take up stick fighting excited, but you know, excited enough not to sleep through it.
I promise that if the response to this is good my next creative nonfiction piece will be about something more action movie fun. Like going and watching a crack den or a fight club tournament, or something.
I plan to experience today, Easter with my friends family, drunk and also high. Less drunk than high, to be accurate I mean tipsy and really high.
You might ask why. (don’t ask why ask why not,)
But because it’s fun to be tipsy and high, as evidence I site everyone who gets tipsy and high. I don’t get drunk at my own family gatherings. My families not about that when they’re not doing it by themselves. I’m not talking about all of them, only some of them, and I’m not joshing anyone, I’ve had a few long conversations with a bottle of jin over six or seven years.
The point is that because I don’t get my smoke/drank on, more smoke, less drank, at my own family gatherings, I have decided to get drunk at this one for the experience of it.
The reason you can’t get away with this with your family, if you have the type of family that cares about such things is because your family knows you, and has seen you drunk at least once and will easily realize your drunk at the gathering.
People who have never met me won’t, they’ll think I’m quiet if I’m high or a dick if I’m drunk, I talk a lot when I’m high, but I’m quiet unless I’ve smoked and then around people I don’t know. I have no problem babbling on about whatever in print, as you can see.
I’ve been drinking a cool white wine temperature wise. Sip that sour white for Jesus.
I want to talk about tekken and videogames. Stay with me though, it all adds up.
What is the point of playing tekken. Well, on a shallow level of personal entertainment, after about twenty-five matches on ghost mode, a never ending no holds or weapons barred two on two blood sport tournament of the best hand to hand fighters from around the world, (a lucky arbitrary few of whom possess magical abilities,) the artificial intelligence knows and understands you and gives you such tough love you either get better at tekken or lose five hundred or so matches in a row. I’m throwing out numbers here without contemplating them much, five hundred could be two hundred and twenty five could be fifty.
Have you ever played chess against the computer. If you try and compete with a good chess program the computer rapes you. You can’t get anything started, you’re a prisoner trying to escape that gets shot in the face for having a halfway clever thought.
The folks behind Namco didn’t want you to lose like that. I am not crazy, and all you have to do to prove it is to play a hundred or so matches of tekken ghost mode on medium or easy. Eventually what happens is not only do you start to lose, but you start to lose and get mocked at the same time.
Very briefly, a fighting game works like this. You pick a character. That character has an obvious thing going on. Bruce lee, sword guy, big fat sumo wrestler, hot chick who has chainsaws for hands, hot chick whose an assassin, hot chick whose an assassin, robot, different robot, different robot, break dancing fighter, you get the idea. Everyone has forty to sixty moves, so if you don’t know what your doing you beat your friends by discovering one good move and pounding them with it fifteen times in a row, or you jab them to death, or you kick them a lot in the shins.
But the more you learn about tekken, the more the computer decides to rape you.
If you play aggressively it stops fucking around and hits you ten times in five seconds and then breaks your arm. It lets you switch characters and it then beats your ass but only after letting you get five or six good hits in. Then, in the second round you try every single trick you can think of and it dies. Then, in the third round, the computer finally switches to a character who proceeds to mercilessly whoop on both of your characters. So that even if you managed to do work on the first computer character, lets say you half 140 percent health while the computer, now only having one other character has one hundred percent health.
I’d like to say at this juncture that this discussion about my recent matches of Tekken Tag Tournament Two is just as relevant as the discussion of a piece of history comparable in detail to the way a miner civil war battle played out if you are not a history
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